I want to respond to what Emily said in her comments to my recent post about singles (comment #6).

First, it is staggering to hear someone say, “Single women are second-class citizens in the mission world. There is NO ROLE for us besides PAs and children’s helpers, there are NO TEAMS that strategize how to utilize us effectively, there are SOME AGENCIES that won’t even take us.”  SHAME ON US!!  Not too long ago there were women-only mission agencies.  They filled the gap after the Civil War when so many men were dead.  Many of the women’s colleges in the East were begun as missionary training schools for women.  Eventually they died out when it didn’t seem politically correct anymore to have women-only agencies.  Perhaps this should be tried again.  It would be an interested historical study to look into how effective they were.  Dana Robert from Boston U. has probably written something on this.

Second, I believe that finding a marriage partner is inevitably difficult and torturous, and it wouldn’t be fair if any singles out there were exempted from this rite of passage.  Like I said before, there is no rhyme or reason that I can find that explains why some marry and others find it difficult.  Unfortunately, there seems to be no alternative to just asking someone out or just saying yes.  It’s scary, nerve-racking and altogether unpleasant – but you have to do it.

Third, the abundance of girls in comparison to guys is nothing new.  There are more girls in church and I’m sure more girls in missions.  I don’t see that ever changing.  Kind of a bummer if you’re a girl.

Fourth, don’t worry about those two eligible guys who have various reasons for postponing marriage.  Work your magic!  Guys have always been irresistably attracted to girls – not even Jesus can convince them otherwise.  That is the ace up your sleeve as a girl.  Why else do so many good Christian kids end up in the sack before marriage?  They can’t resist.  The attraction of men toward women is as basic as gravity – God made it that way to ensure reproduction.    Cast your spell!  They will soon be putty.

Finally, I should end on a serious note because this is serious stuff.  Ultimately, our only “man” should be Jesus.  In heaven, there is no marriage, we will all be worshipping Him.  I see no reason why single women can’t come to Jesus and walk with Him here on earth since that is what they will be doing in heaven.  He can handle all those hurts and pain and depression and loneliness.  No single woman is without this man, who perfectly understands, accepts and loves you.  That is something you will never find in a human being, I guarantee it.

Now I turn to those who have experienced the warm fuzzies of first love, the growing romance of serious commitment, the fireworks of the honeymoon and the daily blessings of companionship.  Marriage is without doubt a great blessing.  Whenever my wife and kids leave on a trip I enjoy the relative peace and quiet for about a day.  Then I become a paranoid psychotic.  My mind does weird things,  I lose the stability of daily routine and I become incredibly lonely.  I’m not kidding.  If it weren’t for Cuyler I’d go mad.

Perhaps the greatest blessing of marriage is companionship – experiencing life together with someone, having someone always there.  Married people often forget the depth of loneliness they once felt, the brutal reality of complete and total silence, the feelings for someone else that are never returned.  I’m glad to be rid of that.

Sex is a great blessing as well.  What else to say?

The result of all that sex is often children – another great blessing.  While children are demanding and often annoying and downright infuriating, I never seem to tire of the pitter-patter of small feet, the cute accent of a 2-year-old or the fun of watching a child grow into an adult.

These are the things most singles crave and long for and look for in marriage – companionship, sex, family.  The list doesn’t end.  HOWEVER, all us married folks know how hard – extremely, incredibly hard – marriage can be.  You’ve seen the  stats.  Most marriages simply don’t last.  And of those that do, only a small minority become the things to write books about.  Most plod along like Eeyore munching thistles, kind of depressed but at least faithful.  Even though I’m lurching past hypocrisy in doing so, I will give my two cents worth on what makes a marriage more than mediocre.

First, stop trying to change your spouse.  If God can barely do it, you have absolutely no chance my friend.  Trying to change your spouse to live up to your ideals is like getting a cat to heel.  It doesn’t matter what your ideal is, you have to deal with what is REAL about your spouse.  Because of the inevitable competition that exists between couples, it is very difficult to cut through the tangle of pride and offense that marriage carries.  Accept them the way they are and live with it.  After all, it is your own fault.  Nobody forced you to marry them.  You’ve already shown you’re capable of great heights together.  If you did it once you can do it again.

Second, focus on the kingdom.  Who gives a rip about cleaning up the coffee table when the world is in such a greater mess?  Now I don’t condone laziness or not doing your share of chores, but most marriage fights are over trivial,  stupid things.  Kingdom people don’t have the luxury of arguing over such things.  Let the stupid, silly things go.

Third, recognize that your own selfishness is the #1 reason for your marriage difficulties.  We all have our trumped-up charges to place in front of our judge to condemn our spouse, but remember that our Judge sees straight through our BS (though our parents might buy it) and knows exactly what the real issues are.  The real issues are ALWAYS about putting my needs ahead of my spouse.

Fourth, men, beware of the work/family dichotomy.  It is a huge killer.  Modern society creates an atmosphere where men can be sires, but not fathers.  Nobody cares how good a father you are, they only want to know what you do, what you’ve achieved or accomplished.  All the social pressure is to achieve.  Again, if you’ve got kids, they didn’t appear out of thin air.  You’re probably the one that said “Forget the birth control” in a fit of passion anyway.  Take responsbility for your kids.

Lastly, guard yourself from the other man or woman.  If you are looking at pornography, you are already a hundred miles from home.  If you are flirting with someone, you are already popping pills of ruin.  Take captive every thought of your weak, stupid mind.  Those with a consistent devotional life are most likely to handle issues of self-control.

There is no rhyme or reason to explain why some find love early in life and others don’t.  Maybe the experts have figured it out, but I’d be surprised.  Whatever the reasons for people remaining single into their late 20’s and beyond, the universal  response people give them is genuine but misplaced pity.  We empathize with their loneliness and do our best to play matchmaker whether they ask for our help or not – usually not.  For what it’s worth, and nobody asked for it, I offer this advice.

First, don’t waste your younger years waiting around for someone who may never show up.  Live God’s life for you NOW.   Single people have so much to offer besides loitering.  Take travel for instance.  Most people will never travel as much when they are married as they can when single.  There is so much less to tie you down.  You can go after a degree, career, whatever no holds barred.  Do it!  If and when prince charming comes your way, you’ll be glad you went for it when you were single.  And don’t be envious of friends who marry young.  It’s great that they have that companionship but they also limit themselves the second they tie the knot.  This sounds selfish, but married people have two to be mindful of which creates a lot more complications than when it’s just one.  What am I saying?  Recognize that the single state gives incredible opportunity for achievement and accomplishment.  Climb all the mountains you can before you are smitten.  Once smitten, some opportunities will be lost.

Second, instead of stopping to look, look while going.  I wouldn’t expect anyone to stop looking for someone.  But don’t make it the main thing.  Go after the vision of the kingdom before you.  If someone gets in your way and you like them, by all means marry them.  But the Kingdom waits for no one.  Get on the Kingdom train and you’ll be surprised who else might be on board.  That beats looking around the train station.  If you are interested in missions, GO!!!  Don’t wait to get married first.  The kind of person you need to marry is so rare that you are probably as likely to find them in Timbuktu as you are in the burnt-over districts of American Evangelicalism.

Finally, if you are so desirous of marriage, if you cry yourself to sleep due to loneliness, if you “burn” like a fuel tanker all aflame, then stop being so stinking picky and marry someone.  Come on!  Don’t you dare tell me that people aren’t out there.  I often see  single men and women, mission-minded, serious about God, who obviously want to get married, but never make the first move.  What’s wrong here?  If your reasons for not doing so are trivial (“he has a uni-brow” or “she laughs funny”, etc), then I hope you die single.  Really.  I have no compassion  for someone that ungodly, to put surface issues that have nothing to do with kingdom values into the mix.  When you find someone with a heart after God and a life passion that resembles yours, they should immediately be added to the list.    You know what is true?  The person for you is most likely someone you already know.  BAM! (not a reference to business as mission).

Guys, quit being losers and ask somebody out.  Girls, quit being whiners and say yes.  Enough already!

Tonight outside the US Center cafeteria at about 8pm, my daughter Jill fell on some skates, falling back ward and landing on her right arm.  There was a wound and her arm looked bent below the elbow so we suspected it was broken.  Barb Winter drove Cathie and Jill down to Kaiser Sunset.  The break of both bones below the elbow was confirmed by x-ray.  An orthopedic doctor came in to look at it.  He believes the wound was caused by the bone breaking through the skin.  Still with me?!  He put the arm in a sling for the night to immobilize it and she will be on an antibiotic IV drip to make sure there is no infection.  He doesn’t want to put a cast on until he is sure the wound isn’t infected.  The bones look to be in good position so they will just have to put on a cast sometime tomorrow.  Not sure yet about the details of that.  Cathie will spend the night with her there and Barb is on her way home.
Nothing major I guess, but we would appreciate your prayers.  I’ve been thinking how terrible it must be for parents who have to watch their children suffer in times of war, disease, etc.  I’m praying for the untold multitudes of parents tonight whose hearts ache for the plight of their kids.  In so many cases, they are powerless to do anything.  I’m proud to be a simple missionary, many of whom have spanned the globe relieving the suffering of millions in the name of Christ.  May their tribe increase and their mission never cease until all tears are wiped away…for good.

A typical scene in my house.  I think Julie was playing mommy.  It reminds me of what girls in INSIGHT look like before their first exam.

Today I made a new connection.  In Dr. Winter’s 1974 address at the Lausanne Congress he was emphasizing the type of evangelism most neededthen (and now) – cross-cultural evangelism.  He was not so much focusing on unreached people groups.   These folks were unreached precisely because of the lack of cross-cultural evangelism.  That was his whole point.  Winter makes a big deal about E-2 evangelism – evangelism that has to cross at least one significant barrier such as language or social barriers.   Anyway, he says that American churches need to stop expecting people to come to them, and need to reach out in E-2 evangelism.  It strikes me that this is precisely what the emerging or missional (they’re not the same but share much in common) churches are doing.  Not content with “attractional” approaches, they focus on being incarnational in the community, go and tell as opposed to come and see.  Anyway, I think this is why these new forms of church have been more productive in terms of conversions – they are engaging in E-2 evangelism while their more traditional parents are staying with E-1.  What do you think?

Here’s another one.  He talks about the necessity of youth churches in order to win youth who may not be won by parent churches.  I wonder about our own organization.  If we want to win youth, we may have to start a youth “church”, or separate structure, that can reach youth more effectively.  These additional structures are means to an end, not an end in themselves.  But the main point is that unity need not mean uniformity.  Winter calls this the “breakdown of the uniformitarian hypothesis” with reference to the Reformation.  We can be unified without being exactly alike.  The same organization can have within it multiple forms (services for churches) and still be one organization.  This was at one time called the “Youth Division” with regard to the US Center.  An old idea but not a dead one.

If you haven’t read the article lately or at all, today would be a great day to check it out.  In the Perspectives Reader, called “The New Macedonia” or something like that.  It’s a beauty.

This is an acappella choir from Slovenia…

African thunderstorm

Shared via AddThis

What do Islam-haters do with this?